Now Accepting Submissions!

"Wha...is this an ezine? I thought this was about recipes? I'm so confused...where is my hammer? Who are you people? Oh, no, it's Bryce Hoffman!"
That's probably what you're thinking right now if you're an author of Retardo fiction. Retardo is like Bizarro fiction but it has no soul or purpose, so it has been deprived of the last lingering thread of decency, human warmth or intellect. This is what a lot of people think Bizarro is like. But, Bizarro manages to make a book called Baby Jesus Buttplug terrifying, a book called Assgoblins of Auschwitz thoughtprovoking, a book called The Rampaging Fuckers of Everything on the Crazy Shitting Planet of Vomit Atmosphere brilliant, sex with houses beautiful and tragic and a Die Hard parody with William Shatner a smart look at identity and celebrity. This is the magic in Bizarro. Without the magic, it becomes...retarded. Retardo fiction reads like it's written by Homsar of Strongbad emails fame with help from a five year old with Tourette's. I've decided that I'm gonna show you Retardo, what it means for literature and how different it really is from Bizarro. I will be accepting Retardo stories from Bizarro authors and posting them here on this blog. The author of the best and most retarded Retardo story wins a copy of Supersucker starring Jeff Daniels. Remember to include plenty of expletives and no depth. Send submissions to thecentercannothold@gmail.com with "Retardo story" in the subject line.

Mr.-E Deelite

Hey, everybody, I've started this blog committed to bringing you great recipes and other fun things that are fun. Here's a recipe. It's fun. Make it for your kids, make it for your pets, make it for your grandma, then make it again just to say I love you to somebody special.

1 Oreo Piecrust
2 Cookies and Cream Pop Tarts
2 pourings of Count Chocula
Several fruit flavored marshmallows
1 oz Arsenic(Just kidding!)
1 oz Strychnine
Monkey Blood

If you don't have strychnine or monkey blood, substitute whipped cream. Take the Oreo piecrust. Put it somewhere pleasant. Look at it. Sing a silly song. I said a SILLY SONG, dammit! Now appreciate the early films of Melanie Griffith. She used to look really good. Pour the first pouring of Count Chocula. Do not pour too much. Pour a little less than too much. But not too much less. If you're worried about it, ask someone who pours things a lot to help you. Like a bartender or a chemist. Stand in front of a 7-11 for two weeks. A ghost will appear before you. It will whisper a name to you. Find the person the ghost named and kill them with only your hands and teeth. Add marshmallows. Most of the marshmallows you're going to use. Add strychnine and monkey blood, stir vigorously while screaming the name of the person the ghost made you murder. Their spirit will materialize and cry into the pie crust. Pour Count Chocula again. Add more marshmallows. Freeze til delicious.